the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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