Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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