Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
