everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
