lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
