I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
