This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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