First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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