I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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