You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
a search helicopter?!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
