life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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