i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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