FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
