Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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