Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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