Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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