I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
