y did u give ur computer a hand job?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
