Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
