Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
