So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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