Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
