The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
