So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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