I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
