You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
