My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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