Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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