Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
