dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
