You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
