Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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