I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
