just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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