i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
