i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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