We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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