I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
