Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
