If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
