Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
