Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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