either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
