Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
