I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
