I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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