just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
