Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
