dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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