You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
